EP 27: Horse Show Anxiety: How to Support Your Rider Without Adding to It

Sep 1, 2026 | Beginner Horse Moms, Horse Shows

Courtenay Baber jumping her horse

I think most horse moms would agree that watching our kids ride is sometimes harder than actually being the one on the horse. The jumps get bigger, the shows get more competitive, and meanwhile we’re standing at the rail trying not to visibly panic while our kid seems completely unfazed. I’ve always thought of that as just part of being a horse mom — until my conversation with Courtenay Baber, a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Gray Horse Counseling, made me realize something I hadn’t considered: what if our anxiety is actually making our kids more nervous?

Not because we’re doing anything wrong — we’re trying to keep them safe. But when we say “are you sure?” or make a big deal out of an upcoming competition, our kids may hear something we never meant: Mom doesn’t think I can handle this. That hit close to home for me, because I realized I’d been doing exactly that heading into Pony Finals this year.

Below, Courtenay and I get into why our nervous energy transfers to our kids more easily than we realize, a simple question that can defuse show-day panic in the moment, and why confidence gets built by doing the hard thing rather than by waiting to feel ready for it.

How Parental Anxiety Shapes a Young Rider’s Confidence

We all carry on a running conversation with ourselves, all day, without much thought to it. Courtenay put a number on it that stopped me cold: we have roughly 80,000 thoughts a day, 90% of them repeats, and 98% of those repeats are negative. We’re wired to scan for danger, not to relax, so that constant low hum of “what if” is baked in, not a personal flaw.

Here’s the part that changed how I talk to my daughter, though. Kids pick up on our nervous energy fast, and they translate it in a specific way. When we ask “are you sure?” or hesitate before a lesson or a show, they don’t hear caution. They hear doubt. My own daughter told me flat out that when I get nervous, it makes her feel like I don’t think she can handle it. She was right, and I hadn’t seen it until she said it out loud.

Sometimes when you get nervous, it makes me feel like you don’t think I can handle it, or that I’m not as strong of a rider.

Is the Fear Real? A Question That Changes Everything at the Barn

Courtenay offered a tool I’ve used more times than I can count since we recorded this: ask yourself, is that fear real? Not is it valid, not does it make sense – just, right now, in this moment, is it actually happening? Most of what scares us as parents of riders hasn’t happened and isn’t happening. It’s a story about what could.

She also walked me through something almost embarrassingly simple that works in the moment when nerves hit, whether you’re the one in the saddle or the one at the rail: feel your feet. Notice where they are, what they’re doing, and that you’re standing on solid ground. It sounds too basic to matter but it works because it pulls you out of the spiral and back into your actual body, into the present.

Building Confidence as the Jumps (and the Stakes) Get Bigger

As kids move up, the conversations after a hard ride matter more than the ride itself. Courtenay’s advice is to resist dwelling on what went wrong and instead name specifically what went right, because kids already know where the round fell apart. They need help seeing what didn’t.

The same goes for how goals get framed. “I want to jump 2’6”” puts the win somewhere outside a rider’s control. “I want to get better with my leg” keeps it entirely inside their own hands, no matter how the round actually goes. Confidence, Courtenay pointed out, doesn’t arrive first and then let you act. It works the other way around — you do the hard thing, and the confidence catches up. Off-property outings like trail rides and hunter paces help here too, giving kids low-stakes reps that build resilience before it’s tested at a show.

Key Takeaways

  • Notice when your own nervous energy is louder in the room than your kid’s.
  • Ask yourself “is that fear real?” before reacting to something at the barn.
  • Ground yourself by feeling your feet — it works in the ring and at the rail.
  • Focus post-ride conversations on what went well, not just what didn’t.
  • Frame goals around process, like “soften my arm,” instead of outcomes, like winning a class.
  • Confidence gets built by doing, not by waiting to feel ready first.
  • Trail rides and hunter paces build resilience without the pressure of a show.
  • Trust your rider to self-advocate when something doesn’t feel right to them.

Resources & Links

Thanks to Our Sponsors

  • This episode is sponsored by Courtenay Baber and Gray Horse Counseling, Courtenay’s own individual counseling and equine-assisted therapy practice in Powhatan, VA.
  • Thanks to our ongoing presenting sponsor, Big Dee’s Tack and Vet Supply. Use code BHM10 at checkout to get 10% off your order.

Resources Mentioned

Broke Horse Mom Resources

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